Some people say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. For me, I found that to be quite true. The thing that fascinates me is that moment when you’re at the mercy of another human being, and you feel a new attraction that is so blissful it aches. From the first moment you notice him your body tenses up until you’re able to touch him. Then finally, his body and face are so close to yours that you can smell his sweet breath entering your mouth, and all of a sudden, you’re fucking lost. The feeling is so powerful that it sways the unrelenting pain from your heart. During that time the pain is sent out into the wind, so far away, out of reach. And there he lies, right inside the void, filling it completely, filling it to the point that it’s almost stretching it, overwhelming you with infatuation. Like a black hole in your gut, a tear you haven’t let heal on its own, a tear that he has stitched back up.
At first you can’t imagine another man ever being enough to fill it like the last. But soon enough, the Universe pulls him from somewhere you never thought possible to exist, and throws him right in front of you. Then it happens, every inch of you crumbles with pleasure and relief, and your mind and heart don’t spare a thought or feeling for the last man; he is forgotten.
You’re standing there, he’s standing there, you look at each other and you both know that you will exchange everything to fill this void – Glances, smiles, stares, breaths, kisses, laughs, bodily fluids, touch, affection. Hearts.
April 25 2012
Natasha looked at herself in the mirror, her hair dry and straggly. Her skin was pale with dark circles under her eyes. She looked down at her left upper arm, a puddle shaped, green bruise covered the top half. Her eyes met her own for a second then looked away. She pulled her doona to the side and slid into bed, pulling extra pillows to either side of her waist. She reached over to her bedside table and grabbed her iPhone. On her screensaver was a photo of Dave holding her, his big arms wrapped around her, supporting her. She unlocked her phone and started flicking through photos – him kissing her head, carrying her over his shoulder, her piggy backing him, sitting her on his lap, both of them laughing at something, a candid shot of them looking at each other in love, and another of them kissing. Her chest began to feel tight and a tear streamed down her face. Her heart rate started to pick up speed and her breathing got faster, she quickly fumbled through her phone and searched for his number and dialled, it rang, she burst into tears while breathing short breaths. She got his message bank. She stopped crying and looked at the phone.
‘He’s not there.’ She said. Then hung up. She let her hand fall to the side of the bed, the phone dropped from her hand onto the floor.
May 15, 2012
‘The bus came by, and I got on, that’s when it all began’ (Grateful Dead, 1968)
She ran down Columbus Street with her huge backpack strapped to her shoulders. The chilly summer air in San Francisco was sharp on her skin. She looked at her phone, 9:00pm.
‘Shit,’ She picked up the pace and ran faster, in the distance she could see the bus, it was bright green with ‘Green Tortoise’ written across it. She looked around the bus, no one was there, she started sprinting. As she approached the bus a guy with short blonde hair, blue eyes and tanned skin stepped out holding a clipboard, he watched her run.
‘Hey! I’m so sorry I’m late, thank God you’re still here.’ She took a long breath. He looked down at his clipboard.
‘Natasha?’ he looked up at her with raised eyebrows. She smiled with closed lips and nodded.
‘No problem, grab what you need for tonight’s sleep.’ He looked at his watch. ‘Quickly if you can, we’ll be in Oregon around 8:00am if we leave now.’ She grabbed her pyjamas and sleeping bag out of her backpack, and she could feel his eyes burning on her. She zipped it shut and gave him the bag. He grabbed it with haste and put it in the bus compartment.
The only seat left on the bus was right at the front behind the driver’s seat. Charlie walked in and sat down. A waft of sweet cologne and man sweat blew past her, she inhaled silently and closed her eyes. She moved her body closer to the driver’s seat.
‘So Natasha, have you ever been to the fair before?’ He looked at her in the rear-view mirror.
‘No, never. I’m meeting my friend up there, otherwise I wouldn’t have thought to go.’ She talked to the back of his head, then realised she could see him in the mirror.
‘I’ve also never been before, so we’re both first timers!’ He reached his hand back so she could high five him. She awkwardly lifted her hand and gave him a weak high five, almost missing his hand. She laughed, and burned red.
‘Well, I think it only makes sense that first timers go exploring together.’ He smiled at the road this time, then took a quick glance up at her. Her whole body felt like it was overheating. She looked out the window.
‘I think that’s a good idea.’ She glanced up at the rear view mirror and flashed him a huge smile.
May 16th, 2012. 10pm.
Natasha swayed to the band at the main stage of the Oregon country fair grounds while sipping her tequila sunrise. She wore a blue beaded necklace and light green leaf-shaped earrings. Attached to her long brown hair were purple and burnt orange feathers. It was dark, the night festival had started. Glowing colourful objects hanging in trees and lit up candles were the only things that lit the way through the maze like forest. Hippies floated around with their smiles and their guitars singing songs, hugging people and kissing cheeks. Drum circles were booming from three different corners. Natasha saw a bunch of people dancing around a drum circle to her left. A huge umbrella was lit up, resembling a jellyfish, and its bright blue and white lights sparkled from a distance. Natasha’s eyes lit up. Without hesitation she ran over to the bright jellyfish and joined hands with the people dancing. Minutes later, Charlie came up behind her and gently pulled her out. Natasha saw him and closed her eyes, letting her head fall back with a smile on her face as he pulled her toward him.
‘Tash, what are you doing? You keep running away from me, you could get lost and I. . .’ She continued to smile, straightening her head. When she opened her eyes he was looking at her, concerned.
‘I told you to wait right there for me.’ He pointed to a patch of dirt. Natasha couldn’t get the smile off her face. Her caramel eyes glowed a warm glint, reflecting of the candle beside her.
‘It’s so beautiful here, I’m so happy, I’m so happy you’re here with me.’ She leant in and slid her hands over his body and buried her face into his neck, pulling him in for a hug. Charlie stood still.
Natasha felt his body remaining stiff, she slowly released her grip, but then he lifted his hands and slid them against her back holding her close. He moved both of their bodies slowly to the music, gently pressing his cheek against hers. She felt herself sink into him. She lifted her head, breathing in peacefully through her nose with her eyes closed. She opened them, blinking slowly, and he laughed at her drunkenness, then tucked her hair behind her ear. ‘Blue diamonds’ by Rusted Root came on and stole her gaze from Charlie.
‘I love this song!’ She grabbed Charlie’s hand and pulled him closer to the stage. Together they stood arm in arm swaying side to side.
On this hour of the night, we’ll make it love, we’ll make it love
Natasha turned to Charlie and smiled. His eyes caught hers, and she felt him stare hard into her. They stopped dancing. All of a sudden she couldn’t feel, see or hear anything but him. He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers, sending electricity running through her body as her lips curved perfectly onto his. She opened her mouth and felt his warm tongue against hers while breathing in his hot breath. She slid her arms around his back and grabbed the back of his head as she wrapped her right leg around him. He pulled back for a second to look close into her eyes and laugh at her eagerness, then he leant in and kissed her again, pulling her in closer.
‘Cause I found you now, and forever I won’t waste this breath
May 17. 1am.
‘Where are you going?’ He whispered as she lifted her body off the mattress.
‘I have to pee.’ She threw on her damp jumper that had been sitting by her feet in the tent and shivered. He sat up and ran his hands through her hair, then pulled her close and held her.
‘Ow, your sweater’s all dewy and cold.’ He muffled out a laugh and kissed her on the cheek.
‘I know, I’m so freezing. But I’m fucking busting.’ She said through chattering teeth.
‘Okay, don’t be too long, I need you to warm me up.’ He lay back down and covered himself with the sleeping bag. She unzipped the tent door and stepped out. She tripped over empty bottles of Budweiser as she tried to walk forward, her head starting to spin. A 700ml bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila was on its side, empty. Chewed up lime wedges and cigarette butts were sprawled across the grass.
She jogged toward the campfire, accidentally kicking empty Tecate cans on the way.
The fire’s embers still glowed. She pulled her underwear down and squatted by the fire ring and peed. She jogged back to Charlie’s tent and dived in, pulling her clothes off and sliding under his sleeping bag.
He slightly opened his eyes and smiled, pulling her close toward him. His warmth hit her cold skin, and she shivered and nestled into him. He lifted his head and kissed her on the cheek, then plonked it back on his pillow. Her teeth chattered for a minute, and he rubbed her back until they stopped. She stared at him as he slept. His mouth slightly parted, looking so peaceful.
‘I don’t want tomorrow to come, Charlie.’ She whispered, with sadness in her eyes. She moved closer to him, her lips almost touching his, she closed her eyes and breathed him in.
‘Me either, I hate tomorrow.’ She opened her eyes. He was looking into hers with sorrow. He pressed his lips onto hers and they hungrily kissed. He ran his hands down her body, roughly grabbing every inch of her. He moved her onto her back and buried his face into her breasts. Gentle moans escaped her lips as he kissed his way up to her mouth and slowly kissed her face, her lips, her cheeks, her eye lids. She grabbed his hair and looked at him desperately. He entered her, staring into her eyes, tasting her breath with each thrust.
May 17. 3pm.
Natasha sat on the grass by the bus, watching Charlie pack up to leave. With each item he packed her heart sunk a little deeper.
She lay down on her back and let the sun bathe her, breathing in deeply, then breathing out. Tears welled in her eyes.
She felt his heavy body slowly squish on top of her, and then he blew raspberries on her neck.
‘Hahaha, Charlie get off, I can’t breathe!’ She pushed him off her, but he managed to pull her on top of him, where she leant up, placing her elbows on his chest. He brushed her hair away from her face and stared deep into her eyes with a small smile. His expression turned sad.
‘I have to leave now. I don’t want to go, and I wish you could come back to San Fran with me. I’ll be your King and you’ll be my Queen, and we’ll get our slaves to make us a massive, human sized mud cake and we’ll wrestle in it!’ Natasha belted out a laugh.
‘Do you really have to go to Portland tomorrow?’ He gave her a frown. She smiled at him, but her eyes started to water, and a tear fell down her cheek. She wiped the tear away and nodded.
‘I have to. My flight leaves tomorrow night. I want to stay, but I can’t.’ Tears streamed down her face. Charlie sat them both up and wrapped her legs around him. He wiped the tears from her eyes and kissed her face.
‘I’ll miss you.’ She said leaning her head on his shoulder. They stood up and held each other.
‘I won’t miss you at all.’ She laughed while wiping her tears. He leaned in and gave her a long kiss, making her knees feel weak. She grabbed onto him and tasted him for the last time. He kissed the tip of her nose and gently slapped her ass.
‘Bye.’ He walked away.
‘Bye.’ Natasha watched Charlie get on the bus. He waved at her for too long and nearly crashed into a pole. They both laughed, then the bus disappeared off the road.
June 1st. 2pm. Sydney.
Natasha stepped out of the cab with and grabbed her heavy backpack. She walked toward her front door and searched for her keys. As she approached her door she saw a bunch of red roses with a card attached to it. She opened it.
I’m so sorry for everything.
I should have never left.
I love you, I miss you.
I’m lost without you.
Please come home.
She looked at the card for a few seconds then laughed. She picked up the bunch of roses and threw them in the bush, then ripped up the card and tossed it onto the sidewalk. She laughed under her breath and shook her head. She unlocked her door and entered her house dumping her backpack on the ground.
June 1st. 5pm.
Natasha got out of the shower, her clothes from traveling were all over the floor. She sat on the floor and started sorting them. She reached over to her laptop to play some music. As she opened it she heard a song coming from the front door. A familiar song.
Now don’t you wait, I feel it in my head
Oh my lady you’re the woman I search
To roam my heart, roam my heart this way.
She got up, still in her towel and ran to her front door, looking out the peephole. She couldn’t see anything, so she opened the door. On the floor was an iPod playing her song very loud.
We go out on the world tonight
With our blue diamonds
That were once our fears pressin’ down on the town
We got out my love.
She leant down and picked up the iPod and looked at it, bemused, then she looked up at her gate entrance and there he was – so tall, big and beautiful. Charlie. He smiled his dreamy smile, which always made her melt, and she ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him. He held her and looked into her face, his smile turned into a pained expression.
‘God I missed you,’ She stared into his eyes with the same expression and shook her head.
‘Charlie, you have no idea,’ She leant in and kissed him, and he picked her up and carried her into her house.
Cause I found you now
and forever I won’t waste this breath