‘I, your Dorkan overlord, shall return your son once you have taken me to the gloriously evil kingdom ruled by Mickey Mouse,’ the purple alien promised the female terran. Her young boy naively skipped up into the space ship, escorted by bug-like minions. The female could do nothing after the alien landed in her backyard at three in the morning. She wasn’t entirely convinced that this wasn’t a dream.
The humanoid stood tall with bulbous joints and skinny, elongated appendages. According to his faithful servant, Snooki, this female had access to the Kingdom. Snooki was reliable. He was, however, a small creature that possessed little aptitude for destruction. His name was inspired by a terran who pacified the population into drooling servants, mimicking her with idioms and catchphrases. ‘Delightfully evil,’ the alien thought after christening him.
Before catching the bus, the extra-terrestrial and the terran argued long into the night.
‘You can’t go through these streets looking like this,’ she said. ‘People will freak out. Not even LA will cope with a six-foot purple…whatever you are walking around.’
The alien huffed at yet another obstruction between him and his ultimate rise. ‘You think I need a disguise?’
‘I don’t know how you’re going to cover up, ah… you,’ she said, pointing at him.
‘Will this do?’ The alien pressed a button on his suit that flipped his image inside out and around in circles until he became a human figure standing before the woman.
Rearing her head back, she gaped at this incarnation of the gargoyle that previously stood before her, thinking he now reminded her of something between Jim Carrey and one of the evil Mario Brothers.
‘Well alright, that’ll do. I’ll take you through the streets and we can get to Anaheim by the time it opens.’
The trio boarded a bus headed to Anaheim, and for the first time, the Dorkan began to experience the culture that he used to watch from afar. The three of them sat down at the front of the bus where the seats sat sideways. Across the walkway, there were other commuters staring at them. Still, these early morning stragglers were just as weird as her follower, and the female told herself that she was comforted by that fact.
A beep alerted the alien to his belt. He pulled a device from its clip and opened it. It looked like a smart phone, but was decorated with strange, green lights. A screen popped up with the image of another Dorkan.
‘Son,’ the device spoke in a deep, horrifying voice.
‘Father, your presence pleases me.’
‘Silence, whelp. I have come to check your progress. I trust that you are proceeding accordingly.’
‘Of course, Father. I am being escorted as we speak by a working member of the Kingdom and will arrive there shortly.’
‘Good. It’s about time you did something with your life. Call me back when you have succeeded.’
‘As you wish, Father.’ The alien bowed his head and the screen went black. He put the device away and the female stared at him.
‘What are you planning to do when you get there?’ she asked.
He turned away, ensuring not to give this female any more attention than she deserved, ‘I suppose an introduction is in order. Snooki!’
‘Y-yes, milord?’ Snooki now took the form of a small, round man with a moustache, which really wasn’t that much different from his previous, beetle-like state.
‘Indulge the terran female. And don’t distract her, I must minimize the time to our destination.’ The Dorkan’s command was blasé.
‘Why the hurry, milord?’
‘WHAT?’ the alien turned drastically and shoved his face down to Snooki’s level, so that he might tremble beneath his monstrous features.
And so he did. ‘I-I only meant milord that, being ever-lastingly powerful, you have the expanse of time itself to bend to your will.’
The female noted that the people that sat across from them barely moved.
The alien straightened himself, ‘Hmm yes, Snooki, my cowardly worm, but my mission here is of the utmost importance. You do know why we are here, yes?’
‘To… find the womb?’
‘The PERFECT womb!’ He threw his hands up in despair and cursed the ignorance that accompanied him. This received a couple of raised eyebrows from the other passengers. ‘My perfect seed needs the perfect womb, and I shall only find it here on Terra, home of the powerful Putin! Or even the most maleficent Megan the Fox!’
‘So we shall find Megan, then! The perfect womb!’ Snooki declared, rubbing his hands in an endearing attempt to portray evil.
‘Yes, that does seem the course, however!’ The terran jumped every time he exaggerated a word and added a hand gesture that was just as sharp and rigid. ‘Judging by the number of surgical procedures she has endured, I believe she is now more machine than woman. No, I must find something untainted, something pure—so that I, Captain Mickey Mouse might taint it with my seed!’
The female adopted a blank face, reminding the alien of his many subjugates, ‘Your… your name is Mickey Mouse?’
Mickey sighed heavily and slumped his body, realising that the terran would not rest until he explained everything, ‘Very well…’ he raised his head, ‘Months ago, my father bestowed upon me the gracious gift that was my star ship: a star ship of unrivalled sophistication. I was of age, he told me. It was time for me to go forth and plant my seed, as all other Dorkans before me. He knew of my fascination with Terra and all of its efficaciously egregious evil. I even took the name of their world’s overlord, Mickey Mouse, as my own. He gifted me with a ship so that I might fulfil my destiny, reaching Earth and finding the perfect womb to plant my seed.’
She gaped at him and all of her feelings of disgust were summarised simply as ‘Yuck.’
‘Silence!’ he commanded with another sharp gesture and an exaggerated shout that got people’s attention. ‘I suggest you tread carefully, female.’
‘Master,’ Snooki tugged at Mickey’s sleeve. ‘What about that one?’ Snooki pointed at a poster of bare-skinned, young pop star in a pool while she tasted the air. Their female companion laughed hysterically.
‘Ignorant creature,’ Mickey dismissed, ‘I am searching for a terran. The Montana girl is clearly from somewhere in the Horse Head Nebula. Look at the tongue, see how it flaps in the wind, that’s a tell-tale sign.’
The terran couldn’t restrain herself from engaging Mickey yet again with an objection.
‘You know you can’t just, like, take a woman, right?’
Mickey groaned, ‘Why do you continue this?’
‘I want my son.’
Mickey laughed, ‘Aha yes, attachment through love, rules that the weak employed to protect themselves. My people shed those weaknesses long ago.’
She continued to spout perplexing slogans about human decency, of which he was not yet convinced existed.
‘I wonder if it is your lack of a male counterpart that controls your desires?’
Her reply was like a strike from a poised snake, ‘Oh hell, what decade do you live in?’
It was a question that sparked a reaction in Mickey fuelled by pride, ‘My people were born on a plane that transcends time. It exists in a place that your feeble terran minds have not been conditioned to comprehend!’
‘Yes, and you navigate halfway around the universe and you need a hostage cast member to guide you to the biggest tourist attraction within a thousand miles—and you still live in some backward misogynistic stone age that doesn’t acknowledge love as a virtue?’
‘Nonsense! I’ve seen your weak dying in the streets, or in the deserts while others swim in avarice. There is no love there. It’s delightfully evil, and rivals even the Dorkans,’ he said, then waved his hand dismissively, ‘And females serve little more purpose than to harbour the fruit of our loins.’
A man laughed, and the female terran narrowed her gaze on Mickey. The female’s cascading mental tantrum manifested on her face as a scrunched expression. She threw her hands in the air and breathed out a growly sigh, ‘Whatever, I’m just saying, you try to impregnate someone without their consent, and there’ll be problems.’
* * *
While happy to get off the bus and escape the gaze of the onlookers, the female was less enthused than her alien companion when they reached the gates of Kingdom. She observed him. What was banal to her caused Mickey to hunch over with heavy arms and a heavy chin that pulled his mouth open. It was as though he floated through the streets. She remembered the first time she brought her son to the park. He shared the same awestruck expression.
Mickey ran through the crowds as Snooki and the female pursued him. He was captivated by the mechanisation of the humans. All these fools were herded into this Kingdom, each of them unloading their money into a corporation that offered nothing back.
‘Happiest place on Terra?’ Mickey laughed, ‘Yes, for one person in particular, hmm, my evil friend?’ Mickey said to the statue of the mouse he admired. ‘Let us go, my companions—out in search of the overlord.’
An idea came to the female’s mind. She could see something in him that he wanted to ignore.
‘Mickey,’ she said.
Mickey turned around.
‘To find the overlord, you must first take his trials,’ the terran continued.
‘What, in the name of doom, do you mean?’ Mickey demanded.
‘It’s his custom. You must pass his test. Would you let any old terran come up and meet you without him first proving his mettle?’
‘I should have known him to be this clever. You’re not as daft as I believed you to be, female,’ Mickey said, ‘Very well, take me through his gauntlet. I shall prove my strength tenfold! Snooki!’
‘Yes, milord.’ The creature crept from behind him.
‘Return to my ship, ensure that our investment is well guarded.’ Mickey glared at the terran, reminding her of the stakes.
‘At once,’ Snooki bowed his head and waddled away.
* * *
‘Disaster is imminent!’ Mickey cried as the giant cobras struck at him from all sides. Flames engulfed his surroundings. Vermin filled his senses. All this time the pilot of the vehicle continued to navigate through tumultuous terrain. Mickey screamed at the adolescent terran. He turned back to see the infants behind him echoing his own screams.
‘How evil it is to invite infants on such a violent voyage.’
Upon leaving every test Mickey felt something. He felt happy. Entertained. Energised. Exhilarated. These tests were having a remarkable effect on his state of being. The terran was not immune to these effects either.
‘Bring about the next test!’ Mickey jumped.
The terran laughed. ‘You bet!’
After terrifying treks and exhaustive expeditions, Mickey would find himself in another place, wild and wondrous, somehow flying through a lustrous London, following fairies and other fantastical features.
‘I can fly!’ he shrieked.
The female could only laugh with him.
They came to a surreal town. The infrastructure was ridiculous and elongated in a way that could serve no practical purpose. Soon Mickey would be faced with a true harrowing. The terran turned to realise her companion was gone. She searched the crowd and found him at the front of the line to meet a female anthropomorphic duck.
‘Oh god…’ she muttered as she raced over to the rotund, humanoid duck and her alien master.
‘You are a fine specimen, dear duck,’ Mickey said to the duck. ‘You shall do nicely! Your wide hips suggest a most powerful womb. Please, direct me toward your overlord so that I might bargain with him to allow me to impre—’
‘Hey!’ the female terran interjected, ‘There you are!’
The duck, hands on her hips, shook her head.
‘Sorry, this is my friend from out of town,’ the terran said, trying to feign a happy glance.
Mickey reluctantly followed as she tugged him away. So far, the female appeared to have led him in the right direction, and so put his plans of courtship on hold.
‘You know,’ Mickey said, ‘I’m fairly certain that duck’s feathers were polyester.’
‘I know you’re having fun here but these are my co-workers. You’re gonna get me fired!’
Mickey’s attention was snared as he emerged. Mickey Mouse exited his house as infants swarmed him.
All things around the alien became hushed as he slowly drifted toward his idol. But something was wrong. It became increasingly apparent that this manifestation was not the creature he knew. His features were in three dimensions. His facial expression remained glued to a single state. He was made of cotton!
And most dreadful of all, these children that surrounded the mouse were not crying in terror, but in love and admiration! This creature was hugging these infants. There was nothing that exploded into ashes. Nothing melted into gory puddles. Mickey Mouse was soft and cuddly!
The alien was frozen still until he spun viciously to flee, shoving his way through the crowd.
Later, the terran found the alien sitting by the statue of Mickey and Disney. He remained idle while others tried to take photos, ignoring their polite requests for him to move.
‘You were never evil, were you, my friend? It’s not an illusion to lull people into spending their money for you.’ He shook his head. ‘You actually do make people happy. You are magic. How could I not have seen?’
‘It’s hard to see your childhood heroes for what they are, sometimes.’ the terran female said from behind him.
Mickey stood up and faced her.
‘You do not understand. I am not upset at this. I am happy. Mickey has made me happy.’
The terran smiled.
‘Come, lady terran! I must take you to your son. You must be rewarded. Come!’
* * *
Mickey returned them to his ship and immediately called his father on the giant screen in the control room. The young boy he had previously kidnapped ran around with Snooki, laughing energetically.
‘You see, Father, I have found this woman who I believe possesses the perfect womb for my seed!’
‘What, by all that is evil, are you talking about, infant?’ his father barked back.
Mickey’s thoughts were seized. He was not prepared for such a response and he was unsure how to proceed.
‘To plant my seed, Father. That is the reason for my journey to Terra.’
His father groaned and rubbed his massive forehead, ‘Across all time and space, within every parallel of existence, there is no statement as stupid as the one you just made.’
‘You wound me, Father!’
‘I did not spend that money on the monstrosity that is your star ship for you to run across the galaxy, acting like a Dorkan Captain Kirk!’
He paused for a moment, calculating his next response.
‘Yes! I know who Captain Kirk is!’ his father barked, pre-empting his response. ‘I quite like his ability to deceive females of all species, and his utter disregard for those dressed in red.’ He took a deep breath, and it was obvious he was still heated with anger, ‘I gave up on the prospect of you finding a mate long ago.’
‘But you said I came of age! That I was to spread my seed!’
‘Yes, you came of age a decade ago and have done nothing with your life except watch Fantasia in the basement with your friends.’ He paused. ‘You were to spread the seed of Dorkan! You were to either enslave or destroy those terrans to pave the way for our colony! In the name of agony, that’ll be the last time I ever try to be poetic!’